Into the Great Wide Open:
So what is the point of my blathering away on this page? During the past few years,
my life and the lives of those around me have changed, all in their own beautiful ways.
Many of the "class of 2003" have transitioned; some partially, others all the way,
including srs, facial reconstruction and a host of other "trans-ready" 21st century remedies for
gender dysphoria. Sure, everyone has had their ups and downs, but for the most
part, my friends are happy, as I am. I have decided that I am not going to transition,
although I do occasionally trot on and off of hormones.
I have been blessed to have met the most wonderful girlfriend, and we have been
together for going on three years now. We were initally introduced through one of
my closest friends, Krissy (Sodapop), at a lesbian bar (called Here) in West Hollywood.
We met very briefly that night, at this "girls bar" where I was out enjoying myself en femme.
Fast forward a few months, and Krissy decided to set me up with this girl, without
prefacing the hookup with the fact that we had met months earlier at Here. I, for one, did not make
the connection at all. It wasn't until we had been dating for a couple of months that
my new girlfriend mentioned the fact that we had met before. D'oh!
Any of my friends - or most of the tg community for that matter - can tell you that if you
are tg and in search of a mate, well, good luck. Although we have made great strides
as a community over the past few years, there is still by and large a stigma attached
to people like myself, and we are most often misunderstood. Men ~ and the male Ego ~
with its need to be in complete control of everything it comes into contact with ~ most
often assumes that, "Oh, you dress like that, because obviously, you like men, and since
you like men, you must like me, because I'm a man and I'm all that." Oy - Please.
Don't flatter yourselves. I'm not saying that there are not decent men out there. There
are. It has been my experience that they do not, however, make up a significant segment
of the population, by any stretch.
So I met this wonderful person, who was more kind, sweet and understanding of me
than any other female that I had ever come into contact with. As our relationship grew,
my outlook on life began to change. I still remain true to myself as I always have, but
something (I think) in the comfort and security of our relationship, has released a tension
inside of me that was driving me to prove something more to myself than I actually needed
to do. Going back to my epiphany about being transgendered (on a previous page),
even then I had some kind of understanding that as long as I could express myself
as I saw fit, I would be in effect, "okay." I've since come to believe that one of the primary
reasons that we are here, on this planet, in this dimension, is to express ourselves
and to grow. Trying holding that in your head for a moment - that that is the reason
we're here - and then think of all of the problems in the world, which lie mostly in direct
opposition to such a thought. It makes sense.
I've found that comfortable level of expression in my life and I understand now
(thank you, Dr. Wayne Dyer) that I don't need anything else, I don't need to have or
possess anything else, or to reach for anything else outside of myself to make me
feel complete. My relationship with my girlfriend has helped to really bring that into
focus. Becoming and realizing Tina in full physical form was enough of a wild dream
at one point. Having someone in my life who loves and cares about me because
Tina is me, all of me and part of me at the same time - that was just downright unthinkable
as an achievable reality at one point. These days, I'm no longer living 80% of my time
as Tina. It's less than that, but that's okay, because I feel secure enough to maintain balance,
and that's really important. Like my other creations and passions, it's my muses who lead me.
If you have read up to this point, god bless you. My message to you is this: No matter
where you are right now, now matter how far you may be from your dreams, hold on.
My life is a testament to the fact that you can go back and conquer fears that you've
had since childhood. You can create change and find yourself living in a world of your
own dreams. Seriously, if I could do it, you can too. I haven't "arrived" anywhere, and
that's okay. It's all about the journey, and the people, places and things that you encounter
along the way. If you are tg or you think you might be, by all means explore that side
of yourself. You might be amazed at what you find. If you are like me, having gone
through years of cycles, expressing and imploding - and then you break out and hit
a new level - you'll be asking yourself why you didn't do it sooner. On the other hand, if you do that,
please try to have a sense of style, and don't be the linebacker-type in the red dress,
purple pumps and hairy legs who's walking down the street ~ you'll make us all look
bad. : )
Oh, and for the record, I still will not do reality TV. I do, however, still want my own show on HBO.
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